Sailing in Myths
By the 12-year-old
(The curtain opens. Two men are standing on a ship.)
Capt. John: Ah, nothing like a nice whaling trip, eh Louis?
Louis: Are there even any whales in the Mediterranean Sea?
Capt. John: Of course!
(A whale appears.)
Louis: What is that?
Capt. John: That's a Sperm Whale!
Louis: Really, Captain?
Capt. John: No, it's a woodpecker.
Capt. John: Yes. Now quick, get the harpoon!
Louis: Why are we going to shoot a woodpecker with a harpoon?
Capt. John: It's not ... why do I even bother?
Louis: Too bad. It flew away under water.
Capt. John: What's wrong with you?
(The curtain closes.)
(The curtain opens. There is a storm rocking the ship. Capt. John and Louis are hanging on for dear life. The lights are dim.)
Louis: What's going on, Captain John?
Capt. John: Well, I'm no expert on the weather, but I'd say this might just be a STORM!!!
Louis: Wow! You're so smart!
Capt. John: I don't need your idiocy right now Louis! We're sort of in a pickle if you haven't noticed.
Louis: (Amazed) We're in a pickle? Cool!
Capt. John: ... Really Louis ... Really?
Louis: Yeah! You just said so Captain.
Capt. John: HOLD ON!!!
(The lights turn off)
(The curtain closes.)
(The curtain opens. The storm is over. Louis is on top of Capt. John. Capt. John shakes him off and stands up. Louis stands up to.)
Louis: That sure was a mighty strong storm, eh Captain John?
Capt. John: Uhhhhhh ...
Louis: Still shaken up from the storm, Captain?
Capt. John: What? No, I've been through much stronger storms. I can't believe we didn't get the whale.
It's entirely your fault! You onerous, incompetent fool!
Louis: I'm sorry ... I didn't know-
Capt. John: (yelling) See that's just it! You never know, you idiot!
Louis: I... I'm sorry. I-
Capt. John: Just be quiet! I don't have time to deal with you! (Mocking) We're in a pickle? Don't shoot the woodpecker with a harpoon! You-
(A hole opens in the water. A giant figure rises out of it.)
Capt. John: Who are you?
Poseidon: Poseidon! The Greek God of the Sea!
Capt. John: Poseidon?
Capt. John: Did you create that storm?
Capt. John: Are you trying to kill me?!
Capt. John: Why?!
Poseidon: Because you tried to kill my Sperm Whale. I'm just lucky that nice boy stopped you.
Capt. John: That was your whale?
Poseidon: Yeah, his name is Mr. Whale.
Capt. John: Mr. Whale?
Poseidon: I was never very good with names, okay?
Capt. John: Oh, go back to Greece!
Poseidon: As much as I hate to burst your bubble, I'm not the only one going to Greece.
Louis: Land ho!
Offstage Voice (Male): POSEIDON!!!
Poseidon: Oh, here. (Poseidon hands a small metal lightning bolt to Captain John) Bye.
(Poseidon leaves. The curtain closes.)
(Capt. John and Louis are on land next to another giant figure holding a lightning bold.)
Capt. John: Let's see. A lightning bolt? Oh, let me guess… you're Zeus.
Zeus: CORRECT! I AM ZEUS! THE GREEK GOD OF LIGHTNING!!!
Louis: (cheerfully) Hello!
Zeus: WELL HELLO! NOW, YOU! (Zeus points at Capt. John) YOU HAVE MY STOLEN LIGHTNING BOLT! FOR THAT, I MUST PUNISH YOU!!! YOU WILL FIND YOUR BOAT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF GREECE!!! HA HA HA HA HAHA HA!!!!!
Capt. John: Well that's just great! C'mon Louis, let's go get that boat .
. (Capt. John and Louis leave.)
(Capt. John and Louis are walking. Zeus chases after them and blocks their path.)
Zeus: (panting) WAIT! I FORGOT TO GIVE YOU THIS! GREEK MYTHOLOGY FOR DUMMIES!
Louis: Thank you!
Capt. John: It should be called Greek Mythology for Louis'.
Zeus: WELL, I SHOULD GET GOING. STORMS TO BREW, PROBLEMS TO TAKE CARE OF OR, POSSIBLY, MAKE WORSE, HERAS TO CHEAT ON-
Offstage voice (Female): WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!
(Zeus hurries offstage. Capt. John and Louis continue along their wcry.)
(Capt. John and Louis walk onstage. A giant female figure walks out the center of the curtain.)
Athena: Hello, travelers. My name is Athena, the goddess of wisdom.
Louis: (a loud whisper) She's much prettier in the book, Captain John.
Capt. John: (a loud whisper) Never trust illustrations Louis.
Athena: You know I'm standing right here! Here! See? Five yards from you guys!
Capt. John: Yes! The goddess of wisdom! I was wondering if you knew where my boat is.
Athena: Oh, you must be Captain John the lightning bolt thief! It's on the other side of Greece.
Capt. John: I'm aware of that. I was wondering if you could tell me where.
Athena: Of course I can!
Capt. John: Great!
Athena: But I won't.
Capt. John: Huh?
Athena: You called me ugly. Bye. (Athena walks offstage.)
Capt. John: Well that's just perfect! (Capt. John storms offstage followed by Louis.)
(The curtain opens. A giant man is behind it. Capt. John and Louis walk onstage.)
Dionysus: Hey peoples. What's up in yo crib, dogs? I'm Dionysus, the Greek God of Wine.
Capt. John: That's nice. Do you know-
Dionysus: Say, do you dogs got any wine?
Capt. John: (to Louis) Wine is the last thing he needs.
(Dionysus snaps. A bottle of wine appears.)
Capt. John: Okay Bye!
Louis: Bye. (Capt. John and Louis slowly make their way offstage. Dionysus starts to rap.)
Dionysus: Wine! Made from grapes from a grapevine! Oh Yeah! Yummy in my tummy!
(The curtain closes.)
(Capt. John and Louis walk across the stage in front of the curtain. Another giant figure runs up on the other side of the stage. He stops them.)
Ares: Halt! I am Ares! The mighty Greek God of War! What is your purpose for traveling?
Capt. John: My boat is on the other side of Greece. I'm trying to find it.
Louis: (to Capt. John) A boat? Hey! I've seen a boat! We were just riding in one! Do you think it could be the one we were looking for?
Ares: Wow He's stupid!
Capt. John: Yeah.
Ares: So, who do we have to fight to get that boat of your back?
Louis: Ewe. Fighting? Fighting is never the answer. Let's see if we can solve this dispute in a more peaceful manner.
Capt. John: Fight? There's no fighting.
Ares: Well, as the god of war, fighting is my instinct. Well, if there's no fighting, I'll have to pass. Good Luck!
(All characters continue on their way and offstage.)
(The curtain opens. A giant figure is standing onstage with a lyre. Capt. John and Louis walk onstage.)
Apollo: Hello! My name is Apollo. Not a speed skater. Not a boxing champion in a movie that sounds like it's about a rock named by Poseidon. o. I am-
Capt. John: Let me guess. You're a Greek God.
Apollo: Why yes! How'd you know?
Capt. John: Wild guess?
Louis: We've seen like, a million!
Capt. John: We've seen five.
Louis: Yeah, well .. I was close!
Capt. John: Sure.
Apollo: So I'm the God of music and light. My twin sister's name is-
(Louis takes out the book)
Louis: Wait! Wait! Waitl. .... um a p o here, Apollo. Page 95.32,48,55,64, 78,87, 106, oops!
Missed it! Here page 95! Urn ........... Airtymis!
Apollo: It's pronounced Artemis.
Apollo: Oh no! The lyre quintet meeting is in an hour! I have to go! Bye!
Capt John: Bye.
Capt. John and Louis walk on and Apollo hurries off. The curtain closes as they do so.)
(Artemis walks onstage. She is holding a bow with an arrow notched in it and is taking aim. She is a giant like the others. Capt. John and Louis walk onstage.)
Artemis: Hello travelers. I am Artemis. The Goddess of the hunt.
Capt. John: Hello there.
Capt. John: We just met your brother, Apollo.
Artemis: Oh, him? That's weird. I could have sworn he had a lyre quintet meeting in forty-five minutes.
Capt. John: Yes, he did.
Artemis: I hope he's not late.
Capt. John: Hey! Have you seen a whaling boat?
Artemis: I'm an immortal Goddess! Of course I've seen a whaling boat!
Capt. John: I mean recently! I'm missing mine.
Artemis: You lost a boat? That's embarrassing.
Capt. John: Aarrgg! This isn't helping! Let's go Louis!
(Artemis goes back to hunting and leaves. Capt. John and Louis leave.)
(A giant woman walks onstage. Capt. John and Louis enter on the other side.)
Louis: Hi there lady!
Capt. John: Hello. Please excuse my comrade's stupidity.
Demeter: Hello. My name is Demeter. I am the Goddess of the harvest.
Louis: The harvest? That so boring.
Demeter: Hey punk! You wanna have a winter anti-wonderland the rest of your life?
Louis: N ... n .......................... n .. n .. n .. n .. n .. n n n n n .. n .. no!
Demeter: I didn't think so! (Mumbles to herself) Aaahhhh! Mortals.
(Demeter storms off)
(The curtain opens. A giant figure is typing at a computer. Capt. John and Louis walk onstage.)
Capt. John: Ummm ... hello.
Hermes: (Doesn't look up) Hi. I'm Hermes. The messenger of the Gods. I used to fly around but I just found out about e-mail and it is soooooo much easier!
Capt. John: Yeah ... anyway, have you seen a boat? Recently?
Hermes: No. Wait. Really? No way! OMG! I've got to tell Cary and Marvin and Kyle and Stacie on Facebook and-
Capt. John: Okay you are soooooo not doing your job!
Hermes: I'm the messenger God. I'm instant messaging. Messaging! That's my job.
Louis: Ohhh snap! You just got burned Captain John.
Hermes: It's true. I totally just burned you.
Capt. John: You're the messenger God. Not the instant messenger God!
Louis: Ohhh snap! You got burned back Mr. Hermes!
Hermes: Instant messaging is a type of messaging.
Louis/ Hermes: Ohhh snap! Double burned!
(Louis and Hermes high-five.)
Capt. John: We have to go! C'mon Louis!
(Capt. John and Louis leave. Hermes continues typing. The curtain closes.)
(The curtain opens. A giant man with a giant hammer is onstage. Capt. John and Louis walk onstage.)
Capt. John: Hello sir, how are you?
Hephaestus: I'm okay. My name is Hephaestus. I am the God of fire. I am also the blacksmith of the Gods.
Louis: Why just okay? You have a big hammer. Happiness is just set up for you!
Hephaestus: That's what I thought too. But I've learned that there is more to life than just giant hammers.
Capt. John: (Sarcastically) Really? Enlighten me.
Hephaestus: Well, I think my wife, Aphrodite is running around with Ares again.
Louis: Hey! We saw Ares!
Hephaestus: Really? Did you teach him a lesson he'll never forget?
Capt. John: Okay. Let me explain something to you. Me mortal, he God. We fight, he win. Comprendo?
Hephaestus: Si, mucho comprendo.
Louis: (confused) What er you taaalking about? I don't speak German.
Capt. John: Shut up Louis!
Louis: Hey Captain, look at the map!
Capt. John: What about the map?
Louis: We're almost across Greece!
Capt. John: No, Louis. We're almost across the Greece you spilled on the map.
Hephaestus: Well then you men better get moving.
Louis: True that!
Capt. John: Bye.
(Capt. John and Louis continue. The curtain closes.)
(The curtain opens. A giant woman is sitting in front of a mirror. Capt. John and Louis enter.)
Capt. John: Well looking at the book, considering we've only seen Olympian Gods, you must be, Aphrodite. Hephaestus's wife.
Aphrodite: That, my ... ugly friend is true.
Capt. John: Ugly?!
Aphrodite: Why yes! Look at those wrinkles! Dreadful! Oh, excuse me. I am the Goddess of love and beauty.
Capt. John: Now that makes sense.
Louis: Well gosh, you shore are pretty!
Aphrodite: Why thank you, I know! And you ... aren't.
(Louis starts crying)
Capt. John: Well now look what you made him do! He'll be like this all day and I'll have to deal with it!
Aphrodite: Well it's not my fault that he's almost as ugly as you.
Capt. John: That's it we're leaving! C'mon Louis!
(Capt. John and Louis exit. Aphrodite turns back to the mirror. The curtain closes.)
(Capt. John and Louis cross the stage. Louis is no longer crying, but he is red-faced. A giant woman storms across the other way and stops next to the two men.)
Hera: Hello. Have you seen Zeus? Wait! You two? Oh, you're the ones that Zeus took the boat from.
Hermes told me the whole story. Here's your boat.
(A boat comes out of the middle of the curtain.)
Hera: Zeus is with that 10 nymph again! ZEUS!!!
(Zeus comes out where the boat did)
Zeus: HELLO HERA. HEY! YOU TWO!
Hera: I gave them back their boat because you were seeing Io!
Zeus: WE'LL TALK ABOUT THAT LATER. YOU TWO SHALL NOW FEEL MY WRATH!!!
Hera: Now wait! It wasn't their fault anyway! They didn't steal the lightning bolt!
Zeus: FINE. BUT DON'T INTERVENE ALL THE TIME LIKE THAT HERA. IT DOESN'T MAKE ME LOOK GOOD.
Hera: Oh, I'm going to intervene! C'mon Zeus!
(Zeus and Hera leave. Poseidon enters.)
Poseidon: Well I really fired him up didn't I?
Capt. John: What's your problem?
Poseidon: Fine. Maybe I went a little too far.
Capt. John! Louis: A little!?
Poseidon: Fine ... but I'm an Olympian God so I still school you!
Capt. John: Fine. C'mon Louis. Let's head home.
Louis: Right behind ya Captain.
(Capt. John and Louis push the boat through the center of the curtain. Poseidon exits on the side.)
(Capt. John and Louis are sailing again.)
Capt. John: Well that was an utter waste of time!
Louis: Not really.
Capt. John: Oh? How do you figure?
Louis: I took Poseidon's trident.
Capt. John: Well Louis, it looks like we won after all!
(The curtain closes.)