The U.S. is in debt up to its ears. Everyone knows that, right? China downright owns us. They've gobbled up every one of the bonds we've sold to make money - like a national yard sale - and they own us. Kathleen Madigan, one of my favorite comediennes, jokes that one day, we Americans will come downstairs on a Saturday morning, all hung over from the previous night, pizza boxes stacked on the coffee table, and there will be a family of Chinese properly sitting on our family room couches telling us:
"You go now. We own house."
The point is - we're in debt. There is a rather large deficit.
You'd think the United States government would be scrambling to save money, right? You'd think their marketing budget would be slashed, just like in the corporate world.
"Hey, uh, boss? We need to send out these postcards as direct mail to get people to buy this book..."
"Nope. No money in the budget for a mailing. Figure out another way to sell or we'll cut your position."
The U.S. should be looking for ways to save, right?
Yesterday, we received in the U.S. mail an envelope whose return sender was the U.S. Census Bureau.
"Cool," I thought. We received our census. I'll be a good American and fill it out and return it. I have an affinity for filling out forms (I'm not being facetious; it's one of my flaws. I really like filling out forms. I should work for the government!).
I opened said envelope from the U.S. government. Contrary to my expectations, it wasn't a census.
Know what it said?
It said that, any day now, yessiree Bob, the U.S. government would be mailing us our Census and to look for it.
Did y'all get the same mailing?
We got a mailing informing us about a mailing.
Um. Is there anyone else out there who thinks that could've been one place they could've cut costs?
"Frank, do you have that mailing prepared to inform U.S. citizens about the mailing?"
"Great. And it will tell U.S. citizens that they'll be receiving mail?"
"Terrific. And you've got the mailing prepared to go out after the Census? The one that tells people they've just received a mailing?"
While they're kindly reminding us about stuff, maybe they'll do a mailing reminding us that tax time is coming up...
"Dear U.S. citizens, ahem. As you know, China owns us. We really need your hard-earned cash. Please send it to us as soon as possible, but not after April 15th, or we'll take more of it! HA!"
And how about a letter reminding us about holidays?
"Dear U.S citizens, every year of your life, you have enjoyed Memorial Day - it's around the last Monday in May, we think. So, um. We wanted to remind you about it. We just wanted to say - hey - go out and enjoy yourselves. Have a nice barbeque, play croquet in the yard... just don't forget it's coming up!"