QUOTE OF THE DAY (OR MORE): "No, no. You don't understand. This is an '89 Calico. I'm pretty sure that exceeds the Kelly Blue Book value. The cat's totaled." --A comedian whose name I forget talking about a vet who presents a $3,000 bill for a 12-year-old cat

Monday, July 20, 2009

It's a buggy world out there

7:48 pm: I put on my son's bike helmet, get my bike out of the garage, and make sure I have my water bottle.

7:50 pm: I head out for my 14-mile cross-training bike ride through the countryside.

7:51 pm: As I ride down to the end of my street, a bug flies straight into my left nostril. Pleasant.

7:52 pm: After extricating said bug from my left nostril (we'll leave out the details how...) while riding, I continue my exit from the neighborhood.

7:58 pm: A gnat flies directly into my right eye. Or perhaps I ran into him (or her?). Whatever the case, there is now a gnat in my right eye, rendering it rather uncomfortable. No mirror to evict the gnat...

8:00 pm: I am still rubbing my right eye (while riding... always continuing to pedal!). The gnat is, no doubt, dead and smushed now, but nonetheless remains in my right eye.

8:06 pm: The gnat in my right eye is likely still there, but I can't feel him/her as much now, leaving the coast clear for the bug to fly into my left eye. No, I'm not kidding. Ahhh.

8:19 pm: I've ridden about 4-5 miles by now, so I'm breathing heavily... with my mouth open... As I'm riding along pleasantly, a bug fies suddenly into my open mouth and ends up near the back of my throat. I cough but ingest the bug. yum. (not). I try riding with my mouth closed but really kind of need my mouth open to breathe....

8:35 pm: Armed with extra protein, the ride is going pretty well as a bug flies into my nose again... I forget which nostril. It doesn't really matter, does it?

8:37 pm: Another bug flies into my mouth. Oops. Swallowed again notwithstanding my efforts to cough him/her out. (Do bugs have genders?)

8:40 pm: I look down at my white shirt dotted with little bugs.

8:46 pm: I've turned for home now, having huffed up a large hill during which I progressed so slowly that, delightfully, no bugs entered any oraface of my cranial region. (or otherwise...) Flying rapidly back down the hill up which I pedaled, however, provides ample opportunities for bugs to end their lives, kamikaze-style, into my shirt.

8:52 pm: I brush the little gnats off of my white sleeveless shirt as another bug flies into my face, but misses my nose, eyes and mouth! Hooray!

9:00 pm: Home stretch now. The sun's gone down and it's almost dark. No bugs - must not be attracted to the busier road on which I'm riding....

9:05 pm: I pull into home as another gnat swoops into my nose.

Ahhh, what a good bike ride. I have to give credit to the diagram above; I found it on blondeonabike.blogspot.com. I couldn't have described it better myself....


  1. I knew it...exercise is both dangerous and disgusting!

  2. LOL! That was funny....er....I mean I'm sorry you had to eat bugs. EEEEWWWWWW!

    I guess you need one of the full face shields for your helmet.

  3. There has to be some kind of biker bug shield or something. But then again, what fun would THAT be.

    Good luck!

  4. LOL....good thing you weren't on a motorcycle going 45+ miles an hour.

  5. Perhaps you were the human salmon, pedaling upstream in a gnat river...? Maybe tomorrow you reverse your route?

  6. Ewww....I have a similar problem in my exercise method of choice...only they are mostly dead bugs that get caught between my fingers when I am swimming....ick.

  7. It's my opinion as a venture capital guy that my bicycle helmet mounted bug zapper powered by the bike itself would only be effective if riding less than 5 mph. Doubtless, you pedal much faster than that.
    Back to the drawing board...

  8. now i understand why all those cholo thugs wear bandanas across their face whenever theyre in a convertable getting ready to do a drive by...no bugs in their mouths or nose...lol. bring a thin bandana or something like that for the next time. i know its not as much fun as natural protein but it could be a savior to the nostrils.

  9. LMAO!!! ( okay... I'm too lazy to actually write another thing today, leaving me reduced to the LOL's and LMAO'S BUT I AM regardless.... laughing parts of my significant body off, here.... Please, God..... let everything come back a size 6..... ( I haven't been a size 6 since I was resident of my mother's womb...... But a girl must dream...)

  10. 1st nostril and I would call it quits. I would call it a 'good excuse'.

    It's pretty great that you made note of the time of each incident. Do you have one of them special watches I see all the cool riders wear?

    You inspire me and make me happy. :)

  11. Wow! We love to ride bikes over here in SoCal, but I only very rarely get bombarded my bugs. I'm not sure I'd ever get on a bike if I actually had to eat insects on the journey. Ger-oss. Gotta give you props.

  12. I once sat on the side of the road and practically barfed because a fly through into the back of my throat as I was cycling. The diagram is totally appropriate.

  13. LOLROF!

    My daughter recently had a similar experience while riding a 4 wheeler--only the bugs in the mountains were nearly big enough to take an eye out when they hit. she ended up putting on some safety goggles :)

  14. Gross! Like I really needed another reason not to want to exercise. You certainly are determined. Wear glasses next time for sure!

  15. Hey! You're an award winner! Come over to my place and see!

  16. I think you should invent something and make a million off of your experiences! I'm so in awe of your excersing motivation. I really need to get my butt in gear.


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