QUOTE OF THE DAY (OR MORE): "No, no. You don't understand. This is an '89 Calico. I'm pretty sure that exceeds the Kelly Blue Book value. The cat's totaled." --A comedian whose name I forget talking about a vet who presents a $3,000 bill for a 12-year-old cat

Monday, July 20, 2009

It's a buggy world out there


7:48 pm: I put on my son's bike helmet, get my bike out of the garage, and make sure I have my water bottle.


7:50 pm: I head out for my 14-mile cross-training bike ride through the countryside.


7:51 pm: As I ride down to the end of my street, a bug flies straight into my left nostril. Pleasant.


7:52 pm: After extricating said bug from my left nostril (we'll leave out the details how...) while riding, I continue my exit from the neighborhood.


7:58 pm: A gnat flies directly into my right eye. Or perhaps I ran into him (or her?). Whatever the case, there is now a gnat in my right eye, rendering it rather uncomfortable. No mirror to evict the gnat...


8:00 pm: I am still rubbing my right eye (while riding... always continuing to pedal!). The gnat is, no doubt, dead and smushed now, but nonetheless remains in my right eye.


8:06 pm: The gnat in my right eye is likely still there, but I can't feel him/her as much now, leaving the coast clear for the bug to fly into my left eye. No, I'm not kidding. Ahhh.


8:19 pm: I've ridden about 4-5 miles by now, so I'm breathing heavily... with my mouth open... As I'm riding along pleasantly, a bug fies suddenly into my open mouth and ends up near the back of my throat. I cough but ingest the bug. yum. (not). I try riding with my mouth closed but really kind of need my mouth open to breathe....


8:35 pm: Armed with extra protein, the ride is going pretty well as a bug flies into my nose again... I forget which nostril. It doesn't really matter, does it?


8:37 pm: Another bug flies into my mouth. Oops. Swallowed again notwithstanding my efforts to cough him/her out. (Do bugs have genders?)


8:40 pm: I look down at my white shirt dotted with little bugs.


8:46 pm: I've turned for home now, having huffed up a large hill during which I progressed so slowly that, delightfully, no bugs entered any oraface of my cranial region. (or otherwise...) Flying rapidly back down the hill up which I pedaled, however, provides ample opportunities for bugs to end their lives, kamikaze-style, into my shirt.


8:52 pm: I brush the little gnats off of my white sleeveless shirt as another bug flies into my face, but misses my nose, eyes and mouth! Hooray!


9:00 pm: Home stretch now. The sun's gone down and it's almost dark. No bugs - must not be attracted to the busier road on which I'm riding....


9:05 pm: I pull into home as another gnat swoops into my nose.



Ahhh, what a good bike ride. I have to give credit to the diagram above; I found it on blondeonabike.blogspot.com. I couldn't have described it better myself....

16 comments:

  1. I knew it...exercise is both dangerous and disgusting!

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  2. LOL! That was funny....er....I mean I'm sorry you had to eat bugs. EEEEWWWWWW!

    I guess you need one of the full face shields for your helmet.

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  3. There has to be some kind of biker bug shield or something. But then again, what fun would THAT be.

    Good luck!

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  4. LOL....good thing you weren't on a motorcycle going 45+ miles an hour.

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  5. Perhaps you were the human salmon, pedaling upstream in a gnat river...? Maybe tomorrow you reverse your route?

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  6. Ewww....I have a similar problem in my exercise method of choice...only they are mostly dead bugs that get caught between my fingers when I am swimming....ick.

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  7. It's my opinion as a venture capital guy that my bicycle helmet mounted bug zapper powered by the bike itself would only be effective if riding less than 5 mph. Doubtless, you pedal much faster than that.
    Back to the drawing board...

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  8. now i understand why all those cholo thugs wear bandanas across their face whenever theyre in a convertable getting ready to do a drive by...no bugs in their mouths or nose...lol. bring a thin bandana or something like that for the next time. i know its not as much fun as natural protein but it could be a savior to the nostrils.

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  9. LMAO!!! ( okay... I'm too lazy to actually write another thing today, leaving me reduced to the LOL's and LMAO'S BUT I AM regardless.... laughing parts of my significant body off, here.... Please, God..... let everything come back a size 6..... ( I haven't been a size 6 since I was resident of my mother's womb...... But a girl must dream...)

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  10. 1st nostril and I would call it quits. I would call it a 'good excuse'.

    It's pretty great that you made note of the time of each incident. Do you have one of them special watches I see all the cool riders wear?

    You inspire me and make me happy. :)

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  11. Wow! We love to ride bikes over here in SoCal, but I only very rarely get bombarded my bugs. I'm not sure I'd ever get on a bike if I actually had to eat insects on the journey. Ger-oss. Gotta give you props.

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  12. I once sat on the side of the road and practically barfed because a fly through into the back of my throat as I was cycling. The diagram is totally appropriate.

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  13. LOLROF!

    My daughter recently had a similar experience while riding a 4 wheeler--only the bugs in the mountains were nearly big enough to take an eye out when they hit. she ended up putting on some safety goggles :)

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  14. Gross! Like I really needed another reason not to want to exercise. You certainly are determined. Wear glasses next time for sure!

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  15. Hey! You're an award winner! Come over to my place and see!

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  16. I think you should invent something and make a million off of your experiences! I'm so in awe of your excersing motivation. I really need to get my butt in gear.

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