QUOTE OF THE DAY (OR MORE): "No, no. You don't understand. This is an '89 Calico. I'm pretty sure that exceeds the Kelly Blue Book value. The cat's totaled." --A comedian whose name I forget talking about a vet who presents a $3,000 bill for a 12-year-old cat

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Never wear a thong

The lesson of the day: never wear a thong.

Yesterday evening I decreased the number of things on my “to do” list by one and finally got to the flower nursery to buy annuals for my pots on the front stoop and patio.

The nursery is an idyllic atmosphere to indulge myself in fantasies of having millions of dollars to plant all things pink, purple, and white on acres and acres of land inbetween perennials. Back to reality: I had to fill 6 or 7 pots.

I wandered among the colorful aisles, delightfully sans children, taking my time to pick just the right colors and combinations. In the last greenhouse, I bent down to the ground to pick up a market pack of white petunias, which would spectacularly contrast with my purple verbena and my hot pink geraniums.

As I bent down, there was a fairly loud and unmistakable rip, so dramatic that I felt where the rip occurred. To my great astonishment, I now had a 10-inch hole smack-dab down the center of my REAR AREA.

I burst out laughing, looking around in embarrassment to ascertain whether anyone observed my little mishap. I had previously intended to do errands on the way home, including stopping by the grocery store for a dinner I could cook quickly; however, as going anyplace but directly home was now out of the question (not passing Go and not collecting $200), I phoned Pizza Hut and arranged for a delivery.

My next thought was to be grateful for two things: 1) It was a weekday night when there were very few people at the nursery and 2) I wasn’t wearing a thong…

The picture below, because we all know that a picture is worth a thousand words, was hereby taken by the 13-year-old under official protest, as he had no desire to take a picture of his mom’s back end.


  1. How conveeeeeenient.....
    I know what happened. You wore those pants with the express purpose of having them rip at the "last" greenhouse. You just wanted to go straight home, phone in dinner (literally) and plant your flowers.

    (Or is that how it would have gone down if it had been me.?)
    Nevermind! Ya! Good thing it wasn't a thong.


    But seriously, ripped pantaloons notwithstanding, you need to embrace the thong. It will set you free.

  3. Also to be noted: it appears your son (?) is storing someone's soul in their backpack. I would investigate cautiously.

  4. Oh, Julie.

    I am laughing so hard right now!

    Not *at* you, of course. I'm laughing *near* you. Um, all the way from Atlanta.

  5. Vivienne- you caught me! I just didn't want to cook!
    Shawn... LOL! That would be the protective light reflector for those days that the 13 year old walks home 2 miles from school in the dark...
    Heather Cherry--- I know - so many people (gals) have encouraged thong use..and I've tried... but I just can't get past feeling like a have a wedgie... and now I know why God made it so that I don't like wearing thongs... it's for visits to the nursery...

    Natasha - full permission to laugh AT me.... that's what life is all about...

  6. Oh, then you just haven't found the "right" thong for you.
    This was still funny to read the second time around, and that is why I need to pass on an award to a "new" favorite. Please come by and pick up this version of the self-congratulatory chain letter.

  7. You've got the same kind of photographer as I do! Unwilling, do I have to, rolls his eyes, let's get this over with kind of guy.

    Thanks for sharing and the reminder about wearing a thong!

  8. This is funny on so many levels! I LOVE that you made your kid take a picture of it and of course he was horrified.

  9. My theory is that most of the time the underwear ends up 'wedged' anyway. By wearing the thong, it's just less material between the cheeks.

    Nice ass! ;-)

  10. I was LLOL and then I was LLOL even LOUDER when I read Shawn's comment. AND THEN I had to go back and started laughing even more because when I went back to look at the picture I see that your dog also knows that your son is storing a soul in his backpack. Which makes me wonder what the hell kind of house you live in with a soul-stealing son and an omniscient dog.

    And by the way, for future reference try to match the underwear to the pants so it's not as noticeable. Not that I'm an expert on pants blowouts or anything like that. :)

  11. So far I have been lucky enough not to have that happen in public. A good reason to always have a spare sweater or fleece in the car to throw around the back end in case the pants rip or you sit in something unfortunate.

  12. I'm new to you...and I'm a follower. Gotta love a funny blogger.

    But I never get the lie/lay thing right; hope that doesn't automatically disqualify me. Just one of my many defects.

    I learned of your blog through Vivienne- she has great power and influence.

  13. Vivienne- okay, okay... friends have told me about where to buy a better thong than Target...maybe I'll try someday... but then where will I be when my pants split?
    JAM- thanks for visiting! I'll come by and check you out...
    Kim- Thanks; I take pride in humiliating my kids..
    Manic Mommy- hmmm. that's true, I can't deny it. Wedgies happen...
    Wendy- hmmm... it DOES indeed appear that someTHING is communicating with Sophie-dog from the backpack, huh? And match panties to my pants? Are you kidding? lol. I'd have mostly khaki-colored underpants... come to think of it...
    Jen- great idea - a little too late, though, thanks a lot..
    mama-face- Hi! Thanks so much! I'll come pay you a visit...and wow am I privileged to know Vivienne, then. whew!

  14. This woman needed to read this post:



Please feel free to let me know what you think - especially if you like it. If not, please reconsider (just kidding!) I can take constructive criticism! Really I can...