|QUOTE OF THE DAY (OR MORE): "No, no. You don't understand. This is an '89 Calico. I'm pretty sure that exceeds the Kelly Blue Book value. The cat's totaled." --A comedian whose name I forget talking about a vet who presents a $3,000 bill for a 12-year-old cat|
Monday, May 11, 2009
It's official. My brother is married. Throughout the 3-day event (rehearsal dinner, wedding & festivities, post-nuptial breakfast), I took notes to myself so that I could improve the wedding days of people everywhere, all over the world.
Here, I'm convinced, are some important dos and don'ts:
1. Do not attempt to strangle your 10-year-old nephew shortly before the ceremony begins.
2. Do not tell the 3 1/2 year-old flower girl that she can't wear a tiara a few weeks before the big day after she's had the news that she won't be allowed to wear her Jasmine costume. How much can a girl take?
3. Do not tell the bride that the groom's grandmother, integral to the wedding audience, is 45 minutes away 5 minutes before the ceremony (particularly if said knife is in view).
4. Do cut the groom's mother off at a 1/2 martini during the rehearsal dinner. Cut the groom's sister off after 1 martini. Do not allow the groom's 91-year-old grandmother to consume any portion of a martini.
5. Pastors/ministers/priests: after the groom's father has read the oft-repeated passage from 1st Corinthians, chapter 13 about how patient and kind love is, do not declare that Paul didn't really mean those statements to describe romantic love.
6. Do not plan a honeymoon to Mexico during an outbreak of a deadly flu that originated in Mexico.
7. When reciting your vows and promising to be "loving," do not hesitate just before the word "loving." No, you can't change the vows to eliminate the words "poorer" or "sickness."
8. If your almost-spouse has not read #7 and does, indeed, hesitate, do not yell: "check, please!" in the middle of the recitation of the vows.
9. If the bride and groom barely know you, do not ask the official wedding photographer to take a picture of you, the bride, and the groom together.
10. Wedding coordinators: do not present the bride with the knife you propose to use to cut the cake just as she's about to walk down the aisle during the procession. It's just not a good time.
11. Finally, be sure to check that all tuxedo pants fit before leaving the formal wear shop. For example, the 13-year-old's pants might be the wrong size, notwithstanding his having been measured, and he just might, hypothetically, spend the entire evening in great discomfort with the circulation at his waist being cut dramatically and the fabric across his derriere closely resembling an image from a Britney Spears video.